


the things you would do for your "pals"

by bloodyangel6666



Category: Gintama
Genre: Action, Attempt at Humor, Bad Flirting, Bickering, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Everyone Is Gay, Family Fluff, Fluff, Gen, Genderbending, Handcuffed Together, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Mild Smut, Multiple Personalities, Non-Graphic Smut, OOC Hijikata Toshiro, OkiKagu - Freeform, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, Smoking, Violence, but it's for the sake of plot, but still, err i don't even know if it counts as smut actually, i did an oopsie, must protect Toshi, okay not everyone, wow that's a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:41:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 18,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25167862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodyangel6666/pseuds/bloodyangel6666
Summary: ! postponed/discontinued??/will most probably edit it someday or somethingThe Vice Chief is struck by a mysterious sickness of sorts, but Yorozuya Gin-chan is there to help~Also, I'm kinda experimenting with shorter chapters which isn't my style at all, but anyway, hope you like it! Rating changed to Mature because of some later chapters
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki, Kagura & Sakata Gintoki, Okita Sougo & Sakata Gintoki, Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Shinpachi
Comments: 22
Kudos: 116





	1. If someone isn't acting like they always do, you better nope the fuck out while you can

Knock! Knock knock! Knock knock-

"Shinpachi!" Kagura yelled, still half-asleep and not moving from her bed. "Someone's at the door!"

No answer. Kagura figured that Shinpachi was yet to come to Yorozuya, so she grumpily jumped from the bed and executed plan B - to wake Gintoki up. With a wet willy. Just perfect for the equally grumpy Gintoki who reacted with a groan and tried to fight Kagura's hand off.

"Why the hell are you pissing me off first thing in the morning?!" Gintoki complained. A few more insistent knocks brought his attention to the door. "Oi, Kagura. There's someone at the door."

"You go and see who it is. I'm going back to sleep." Kagura stifled a yawn on her way back to her room. "And don't forget to buy me sukonbu today!"

"Ehh? But-" Gintoki sighed and turned to the door. "We're not home! Today is our day off!"

_Oh crap. I should have kept quiet. What if it's Otose? I don't have any money! -Oh, but maybe they delivered my Jump already!_

Though the voice that replied wasn't the delivery man's, and definitely not Otose's(thank God for that).

"Boss, we can hear you, you know."

_Ah, just Soichiro-kun. Wait. 'We'?_

Gintoki stood up from the couch, got dressed and went to open the door. There stood a blank-faced Sougo and a crying gorilla- oh, wait, that's Kondo.

"Toshi… He…" Kondo started, "You have to help us, pleeease! We'll pay!"

"Wait, wait, wait." Gintoki interrupted, raising a hand to stop Kondo from saying anything else. "Sofa-kun, can you tell me what happened? And what's your deal with telling me first when Hijikata-kun is in trouble? Do I look like his wife or something? Huh?"

Despite Gintoki's irritated tone and the seriousness of the situation, Sougo barely bit back his smile. He hurried to bring his nonchalant expression back and cleared his throat.

"Actually, Boss, he’s sick and his condition is very severe." Sougo stated as a matter of fact, not even flinching as he said that. "Before you ask, we've tried all of the doctors in Edo. Apparently they 'don't want so much trouble', but one of them told us we have to find some plant. Though he refuses to cure Hijikata-san, so…" He paused, sighing dramatically. "Kondo-san, I am saddened to say that, but I could take over his position if he-"

"Nooo, Toshiiiii!" Kondo wailed. He grabbed the dumbfounded Gintoki's collar and shook him violently. "We can't leave Edo to search for this plant, so please…! You’re our only hope!"

"Geez, okay, okay." Gintoki finally complied. "You better have enough money because I’m paying rent, you know. Unlike you tax robbers."

Kondo just sniffled while Sougo retrieved a folded piece of paper from his pocket.

"That’s the description of the plant plus the recipe of the medicine needed for Hijikata-san." Sougo explained, "Oh, and also - the doctor said he doesn’t have much time, maybe three or four days."

Gintoki’s eyes widened slightly as he read the instructions on the paper.

_Waaaait! At this rate Hijikata-kun will surely be a goner!_

"What the hell is this mysterious sickness? Soichiro-kun, you’re not trying to frame me for his death if I don’t find that plant, are you?! Tell me you aren’t!"

"Not at all, Boss. But you better hurry up because-"

"Hey, idiots!" A loud voice interrupted, echoing in the empty street. "Don’t act like I’m dead already!"

"Seriously, it’s embarrassing to know that I’m acquainted with you three idiots." Hijikata fumed. Said idiots turned to look at him in shock while he lighted a cigarette. Though instead of scolding them some more, Hijikata suddenly started laughing, "Just kidding! I love you guys- Pff, you should see your faces!"

Sougo and Kondo didn’t look impressed, and as for Gintoki… he was completely horrified by this new light he was seeing the demonic Vice Chief in. It was even more unsettling than Tosshi.

_How the hell did the viscous dog turn into a puppyyyy?! I don’t get it! I don’t get it at all!_

"O-oi, Soda-kun, could you please do some more explaining? Hurry because I’m gonna faint soon!"

"Ah, _Gintoki-kun_!" Hijikata interjected, startled, his expression worried as he promptly joined his co-workers in front of Gintoki. He caught the latter’s hands like his life depended on it. "Are you okay? Do you need water or something else? Please don’t faint!"

_What the hell is this guy doing?? Is he for real?!_

The white-haired man froze in his place with his mouth agape. This was a dream. Right. It had to be a dream!

"Aaah, no! I can’t handle this! Gorilla, Soichiro-kun, do something! I would rather have the usual Hijikata-kun who would punch or kick me than that!!"

The only response he got was a slow blink from Sougo and a nervous laugh from Kondo. So there was no hope then…

"The usual Hijikata?" Hijikata muttered, tilting his head to the side like a curious puppy. "...Okay." And he released Gintoki’s hands only to smash a fist in his face. "Is this better, Gintoki-kun? I didn’t know you were into S & M though..."

"I’m nooot!" Gintoki shouted, cradling his face with one hand and pointing to Hijikata with the other. "And I didn’t say you should punch me now! I was totally unprepared, you bastard! What the hell were you thinking?!"

"I think he only means well, Boss." Sougo remarked, but no one really heard him.

"Gintoki-kun, if you keep talking to me like that..." Hijikata trailed off. Usually, his response would be ‘I’ll fucking kill you, idiot!’ or something along these lines, but now the Vice Chief was fidgeting and blushing like a shy schoolgirl.

_Aaaah, seriously?! He likes that?! He’s no better than that natto-glasses-freak! Is this his real self? Is he a masochist? Is that it? Hijikata-kun, please tell me you’re not a masochist!!_

"Toshi-" Kondo began with a trembling voice, but Sougo cut him off.

"Eh? That’s new. So Hijikata-san likes it when someone talks down to him? Interesting~"

"I-It’s not… I only like it when Gin-"

"Gin-chan? What are you all making a fuss about? I’m trying to sleep here!" Kagura called out as she came around the corner and into the hall.

_Shiiit! I can’t let Kagura see Hijikata-kun in this state! She’s too pure for this!_

Luckily, Gintoki blocked the view outside the door like a shield for Kagura’s unsuspecting 14-year-old eyes, but he was still panicking. He blurted a ‘I’m going out, don’t wait for me!’ and hurriedly closed the door behind him.

"Ah, there’s an emergency message from Yamazaki. We should go, Kondo-san." Sougo informed in his usual monotone voice. Kondo nodded and took his leave quickly, but Sougo stood behind to observe Gintoki and Hijikata for a second.

Gintoki was just breathing a sigh of relief because of the dodged bullet with Kagura, but he stopped in his tracks when he heard a clank of something metallic and then… _click_! He slowly looked around… and his eyes stopped on the handcuffs that connected his hand to Hijikata’s.

He blinked once, lifted his gaze to Sougo and, in the smallest voice possible, asked, "Soichiro-kun, what did you do?" His voice gradually raised as the realization struck him. "Isn’t this overrated already? You already did that in the anime! Oi, do you hear me?! Soichiro-kun!!"

But Sougo just smiled calmly.

"It’s for the better protection of Hijikata-san. You know how much I care about him. Right, Boss?"

_You don’t give a fuck about him, just admit it. It’s not that hard, seriously._

And just like that, Sougo walked away, leaving the annoyed Gintoki and the blushing (currently good for nothing) Hijikata to fix things on their own.


	2. Don't get too happy too fast because things could not end well

A few minutes passed in silence. Gintoki and Hijikata stared at each other in disbelief. Well, at least Gintoki did. In contrast, Hijikata seemed somewhat excited.

"Damn it…" Gintoki breathed after a while. He ruffled his hair a bit as he thought of a way out of this situation. "Do you have a key for these handcuffs?"

"No, Sougo-kun took it earlier." Hijikata answered innocently. His eyebrows furrowed with worry again. "Why? You don't like it when we're like that?"

_Damn that sadistic kid..._

"Of course not! Stop talking nonsense!" Gintoki scolded, then groaned and pulled out the paper Sougo gave him to examine it more carefully. "Oi, do you know something about this planet, uh, Omoh? What the hell's up with this name…"

"Haven't heard of it before. Sorry..."

Hijikata's obedient and cooperative demeanor was seriously starting to piss Gintoki off -and to freak him out to some extent. He already missed the usual Hijikata that would argue and fight with him non-stop. So then they had no choice…

"We have to go to this planet because it's the only place where that plant grows, according to that… piece of paper."

"So we're going on a date then?" Hijikata cheerfully suggested. 

"Those words and your voice don't match well, you know. -And I told you to stop talking nonsense!"

"But Gintoki-kun-"

"Also _please_ don't call me this way."

Hijikata just nodded in response and let Gintoki lead him down the stairs and on the street. As they made their way to the Terminal, the still sane one, a.k.a Gintoki, noticed many of the people around staring at them. He was just about to open his mouth to tell them off, but, surprisingly, Hijikata beat him to it.

"What are you all staring at? Go mind your own business before I arrest you!"

_No way- Is he back to normal? Just like that?_

Hijikata huffed, but his scowl disappeared as soon as he looked at Gintoki, being replaced with a smile.

"How was that, Gin-kun?"

_Nooo, that's even worse that Gintoki-kun!!_

_Gin-kun's_ eyebrow twitched, but he kept a steady quiet voice for the sake of keeping his sanity intact.

"The best impression of the Hijikata-kun I know. Good job. Please, keep up the hard work."

Immediately, like a switch flipped, Hijikata's scowl returned and he proceeded to glare at the people who still dared to stare at them.

_No way, is he becoming a robot? Did I just control him or something? Why can I, of all people, do that? That's messed up!_

Somehow, they successfully reached the Terminal without making more scenes. Gintoki led the way again to where they could get tickets, muttering under his breath that he would prefer laying in bed instead of having to drag around a Hijikata that wasn't acting quite like Hijikata, but at least he would get paid, so it was okay because he would definitely need a huge parfait when he was done. And sake too. Preferably a whole bottle of it.

As they got in the Terminal, they were immediately greeted by the woman behind the counter. She smiled brightly when she saw them.

"Hello, we expected you! Hijikata Toshiro and Sakata *****ki, right?"

"Oi, what's with that mistake? Why is half of my name censored?! Did you just put an unnecessary twist in it?" Gintoki protested, but the woman didn't hear him. No, she was ignoring him. She was definitely ignoring him.

"Here are your tickets, Hijikata-san, ******-san."

_This woman really has some nerve…_

"Ah, good. I don't have any money on me either way… Wait. How did you even know-"

"The tickets were requested from the Shinsengumi's captain of the… first division if I'm not mistaken. He made sure that you two would get the best seats in the plane." The woman explained. "But to think that the Vice Chief would go on a vacation to that planet in particular…"

"Ah, Sougo-kun did?" Hijikata chirped, but after a glare from Gintoki, he brought his scowl back and nodded curtly. His voice dropped down to his usual tone as he proceeded, "Yes, he did a good job."

"Oi, what do you mean?" Gintoki asked, "What's this comment about the planet? Something's fishy here -did you by chance eat something that makes you say bad words like ******? Why is everyone so messed up lately?"

"Ah, well, it's just that the usual tourists who go to Omoh are co- uhh, _comrades_. You know, pals, buddies." The woman finished with a nervous laugh, again ignoring ignoring the rest of Gintoki's words. "Anyway, the gate will open soon. Have a safe trip!"

Gintoki gave her a prolonged stare, almost making that 'jiiiii' sound from animes. Though this time, Hijikata was the one who started dragging him to the gates after they took the tickets.

"Well, if it's like that nice lady said, this planet is perfect for us, right Gin-kun? We're the best of best friends after all!"

_It wasn't a nice lady at all!!_

"Oi, are you sure you didn't hit your head somewhere on our way here? We're not friends, stupid mayo freak."

"Then we should be!" Hijikata retorted. His lips threatened to stretch in a smile again, but he refrained himself because of the way Gintoki programmed- uuuh, because of what Gintoki told him earlier.

"No, we definitely shouldn't. I wouldn't like it. You wouldn't either. Even the people around us wouldn't like it. We can't just change our personalities like that, you know. Furthermore, I'm the main character and it will bring my rate down, so that's a big no-no."

"Then… wouldn't that bring my rate down too?" Hijikata asked, confused.

"Yours is already low, so it wouldn't make much of a difference."

"You're cruel, Gin-kun…"

"Nah, I'm just honest."

_And honestly a bit happy that I got to hold a semi-normal conversation with him… It's nice every once in a while, even if he doesn't argue back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reference for Gintoki's name from Kanketsu-hen: Yorozuya yo Eien Nare


	3. Things are not always like they seem to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> referencing a bit from that one scene with Dexter and the button because it's stuck in my head :')

"Oh, what's this button for?"

"Hijikata-kun, please- _Please_ , do _not_ push the button."

Hijikata’s sneaky finger pushed the intriguing button anyway. Gintoki deadpanned.

"You little-"

"Ah, Gin-kun."

"What is it now?" Gintoki sighed. Almost two hours have passed since they took off to the planet whose name was already forgotten by Gintoki, and Hijikata hasn’t stopped asking questions like ‘Are those seats supposed to be _this_ comfortable?’, ‘Hey, do you wanna switch places? I can’t see out the window from your perm’(followed by ‘My hair’s naturally like this, you dumbass!’), and the last one being about the button for the AC.

"Well, I..." Hijikata began quietly, bumping his index fingers together.

_Why are you suddenly acting cute?!_

"...I need to take a shit."

_That’s not cute at all!!_

"Are you serious right now? Tell me you’re joking."

But Hijikata was obviously very serious, and he even tried the puppy eye technique on Gintoki. The latter looked away immediately, but as the seconds passed, he could still feel Hijikata’s eyes on him.

"Please~?"

"Ugh, seriously..."

And so, the duo made their way to the restroom which was conveniently placed a few seats away from them. Though instead of Hijikata going inside on his own, he pulled Gintoki inside as well, not even giving him time for a reaction before he closed the door. The other was certainly one - taken aback by that, two - disappointed that he didn’t get a chance to think of a plan, and three - surprised by the twist of events. Also, because of the tiny space in there, their chests were touching, and Gintoki's brain made damn sure to note that immediately even if he didn't want to notice it, much less think about it, but thanks to his oh-so-helpful brain, now that was all he was seeing.

"Oi, what do you think you’re doing, stupid? You have a weird fetish of being watched or something?"

"Shhh, someone will hear us!" Hijikata shushed, then lowered his voice to a whisper, despite the lack of passengers in that side of the plane. "I've always wanted to do something like this…"

After he said that, he leaned forward to lock the door, and his breath collided with Gintoki's neck.

_Nope, nope, nope, not weird at all! Stay calm, Gintoki! Just stay calm!_

"Say, Hijikata-kun… You're not thinking about anything weird now, right?"

"What do you mean, weird?" Hijikata lifted his head and pulled back a bit to get a better look at Gintoki. Red clashed with blue as they entered a short staring contest. "Oh… I see now. Gin-kun is having perverted thoughts~"

"What?! I'm not! You're the one who keeps doing these nonsensical things! Either way, weren't you supposed to take a-"

"That was a lie. I just wanted a quick smoke, but you wouldn't agree if I told you the truth."

_This guy is unbelievable…_

Gintoki leaned his back on the door with a groan while Hijikata pulled out a cigarette from his pack and lighted it.

"Hurry up before someone notices we're both gone _and_ without the one waiting the other outside. And what's with you, of all people, wanting to break a rule? You would rather commit seppuku than do something like that." Gintoki barely kept his voice down as he motioned to Hijikata's lit cigarette and his calm face. Hijikata's hand also moved around because of Gintoki's, not allowing him to take a drag for a while, but he didn't seem to mind, even though he should be definitely minding it.

Maybe it was better when Hijikata was in such a condition- err, _good mood_ because Gintoki wouldn't be happy to receive more bruises today. Or ever, for that matter, but that was kind of inevitable if the Vice Chief was to turn back to his normal self.

"Huh. Am I usually that strict?"

"Duh. You're the demonic Vice Chief. Do I need to tell you about your own personality?" Gintoki stopped in his tracks, mentally slapping himself for not coming up with this earlier. But he tried to suppress his excitement by casually sticking his pinky in his nose. "Will this bring you back to normal?"

Hijikata seemed to actually think about it as he brought the cigarette back to his lips again.

"I don't know. But I would do anything to make you happy, so I'll appreciate it if you told me how to behave around you."

Blood trickled down from Gintoki's nose because of the startled push of his finger.

"...Eh? Come again?"

"I would do anything to make you happy." Hijikata repeated, not fazed in the slightest. He stubbed out his half-finished cigarette in the sink beside them and threw it in the bin. Then the worried expression came back when he saw the blood on Gintoki's face. "So, can I help you with that?"

Gintoki froze in a loading screen, trying to think of how to respond. A witty remark was out of the question because it was way less fun when he didn't get an equally witty response from Hijikata. Does he accept then? Hell no! After he becomes himself again, Hijikata would probably be furious to know that he wiped Gintoki's bloody nose, and would _most_ probably make it bloody again. Then he's left with the third option - rejecting. But how is he supposed to do that? Straight rejection? With an emphasis on 'straight' because there's nothing straight in their situation right now lol. Wait, what? Okay, let's go back to thinking. Straight rejection is obviously out of the list, then… maybe rejection in the smoothest way possible that wouldn't anger Hijikata later? Yes, that's probably the best way.

"Um… Okay, but be gentle."

_Waaaaaaait!! This isn't a rejection at all!! What's that, a quote from a yaoi manga? And why do I sound like the uke anyway?! I'm not- Author, what the hell are you thinking?!_

Oblivious of Gintoki's internal torment, Hijikata happily obliged. He took some toilet paper, dampened it with water and pressed it under Gintoki's nose to clean up the blood. He repeated that process two times before patting Gintoki's cheek affectionately.

"There, good as new! Do you feel better now?"

"Yeah… Thanks, I guess."

_Aaah, now I turned into a tsundere?!_

Gintoki refused to believe that those reactions were his own, and the author wasn't at fault here. But instead of thinking about this, he cleared his throat and unlocked the door.

"Now that that's out of the way, let's go back already."

As expected, Hijikata agreed and they went back to their seats, careful of not being seen by someone on their way.

A few minutes passed in silence, but Hijikata decided to break it with a quiet chuckle first, then by saying, "It's cute when you're flustered like that. It's almost like there's some life in those dead fish eyes of yours."

"Oi, I'm not flustered! There's nothing to be flustered about! And what's that about my eyes, dumbass?"

"Oh, did that hurt your feelings?" Normal Hijikata would have said that sarcastically, but this one… he was genuinely worried. Again. "I'm sorry, Gin-kun…"

Gintoki sighed for the umpteenth time this morning and waved a hand dismissively.

"Nevermind that, I'll take a nap now, so don't do any weird stuff while I'm sleeping, got it?"

Hijikata nodded, and Gintoki took it as a cue to lean back and to the side towards the window. After all, he got enough unneeded touching from Hijikata, so that had to be avoided, at least now.

Lucky for him that he was already asleep when his body decided to shift towards the other side and his head fell against Hijikata's shoulder.


	4. When you're on a shady planet, you better listen to the residents' advice

The first thing Gintoki felt when he woke up was a dull pain in the side of his head. The first thing he saw - a wincing Hijikata. And the first thing he heard was, "Sorry, Gin-kun. You told me to not do any weird things, but you leaned on me in your sleep and we just arrived, so I panicked and…"

_And pushed me to the window? Seriously?_

Gintoki opened and closed his mouth. At least Hijikata was honest, even _excessively_ honest with him, so the thought of arguing right after waking up was dismissed by Gintoki. 

"We're here already? How long was I asleep?"

"About six hours."

"And it's already night here? What's with this planet?"

Hijikata shrugged.

They stood up simultaneously. Gintoki almost hit his head again in the roof, but thankfully, his movements were still slow from just waking up, so his only reaction was, "Damn those low roofs. Aren't there planes for tall people?"

"Aren't they all the same?"

Gintoki pondered on that, but he gave up soon. Thinking was hard when he hadn't eaten anything sweet in more than 5 hours. Which reminded him to look for sweets shops in the city they would go to now. Furthermore, now that Hijikata was apparently 'doing anything to make him happy', he could also be willing to buy whatever Gintoki asked him to with the money Gintoki gave for his taxes. Well, practically he hasn't ever paid them, but let him dream for a while.

It was too cold out, and Gintoki thought of pulling the right sleeve of his yukata up to wear it properly, but he came to the conclusion that his character design was way too cool to mess with it, so he resigned. He preferred dying from hypothermia while looking hot(in the other sense of the word) instead of staying warm while looking like a plain background character.

They passed through the entry of the Terminal, heading for the check-out area with Gintoki leading the way with a quick optimistic stride, now that his head was filled with fantasies of Hijikata buying him all the parfait, ice cream and dango on the Earth. Actually, why not the entire universe? Nah, let's stick with just the Earth. Gintoki wasn't that greedy.

As they finally got to one of the desks in the check-out area, the Amanto there greeted them with 'Good morning'. Not even ten minutes have passed from their stay on this planet and Gintoki was already confused as fuck.

"Sorry for intruding in your personal lives, but…" The Amanto began, "Are you two, by chance, married?"

Hijikata responded with a 'Huh? Are we?' while Gintoki blinked a few times.

"Hahahaha haha ha… ha(wow, he sounded like Sakamoto)... What? We're definitely not what you think we are. This is a misunderstanding. I'm as straight as my hai-" Gintoki was cut off by a particular curly lock of hair from his bangs falling in front of his left eye. He braced himself for his next words with a neutral face. "Okay, maybe I'm not, but I'm a hundred percent straight for this guy here."

"Oh- Sorry then. It's just that on our planet, married couples wear bracelets like these instead of rings like you humans do."

"Ah… But those are _not_ bracelets and we definitely didn't put them on on purpose." Gintoki explained, "It's just that the author probably ran out of ideas to make us stick together, so they made Soichiro-kun handcuff us."

"What author?" Hijikata tilted his head in confusion.

"Nevermind. We're straying from the plot." Gintoki cleared his throat and returned to the task at hand. "Hey, do you happen to know where they sell sweets around here?"

Wait. That's not how this scene was supposed to go! Let's rewind a bit.

"Nevermind. We're straying from the plot." Gintoki cleared his throat and returned to the task at hand, wondering why he had to repeat his words again. Huh. Maybe it was a deja vu? "Hey, do you happen to know something about this plant?" He took out the paper and gave it to the Amanto so he could see the small drawing.

"Hm… Oh!" The Amanto exclaimed, but then frowned and returned the paper to Gintoki. "As far as I know, it's mainly used for something like love potions, but it can also reverse their effects. It's pretty hard to get too. I've heard that it grows in the forest just outside the city, but it's dangerous for you humans. -And why do you need it anyway?"

"Um…" Gintoki trailed off. He was about to say the truth, but it was possible someone on this planet knew who Edo's Demon Vice Chief is and it wouldn't end well. Wow, when did he become so thoughtful? Anyway, Gintoki decided to lie for Hijikata's sake. He would definitely reward himself with the biggest strawberry cake later for this good deed. "It's for a super secret important mission."

"It doesn't sound so super secret when you say it like that…" The Amanto's gaze trailed to Hijikata, specifically to his uniform, and nodded in acknowledgement. "But okay. Just be careful with going in this forest."

And just like that, Gintoki forgot the warning right after they set foot out of the Terminal.

"Now then, since it's apparently morning here, let's go get a parfait."

Suddenly, something in Hijikata's expression changed as if he malfunctioned, but his smile was back in a second.

"Okay. My treat."

Gintoki almost cried a happy tear upon hearing those sweet, sweet words from the usually not so sweet Vice Chief. Huh, why usually? He _always_ was anything but sweet… Ah, nevermind.

An hour and a half later, the men sat in some restaurant nearby, with Gintoki stuffing himself with all the sweets he wanted -and could actually have the physical ability to eat because he wasn't Kagura after all-, and Hijikata just eating something that looked like actual food now that he wasn't drowning everything in mayonnaise. Which was incredibly strange because even as Tosshi, Hijikata's tastes remained the same, but now something was disturbingly different.


	5. With great luck comes great misfortune and the other way around

After Gintoki stuffed himself with enough sweets for his blood to turn to sugar and Hijikata consumed enough normal food to function normally for once, they exited the restaurant and started making their way down the street. It was still dark out and the sky was filled with not one, but three moons. Despite the early(?) hour, there were several Amantos out and about. Though the surprising part was that they were all obviously male, and some of them had those bracelets that the other Amanto from earlier explained about.

Suddenly, the name of the planet made sense to Gintoki, as well as the fact that Sougo handcuffed him with Hijikata and even went as far as to arrange their flight details. So much effort just to piss off one Vice Chief. Sougo's dedication really was something.

With his dignity intact and even stronger than ever because of the power of sweets, Gintoki avoided asking for directions. Instead he led the way to who knows where in a foreign city on a foreign planet, all the while taking brief looks at the paper Sougo gave him. Needless to say, Hijikata followed him everywhere.

As the minutes passed, the sky slowly turned purple with streaks of pink that didn't make any sense, but hey- they were far from Earth, so everything was possible. Hijikata even pointed out the color of the sky, saying that it was beautiful; Gintoki waved it off with 'yeah, sure'.

Almost an hour later, Gintoki's protagonist leadership skills brought them at the edge of a dense forest just outside the city, as the Amanto at the Terminal told them(He actually asked one person about the directions because of Hijikata constantly prompting him to do so, but shhh, that isn't important now). The more important thing was that they were where they needed to be and all that was left to do was to find that plant, then return to Edo as fast as possible.

The thing is, their search was interrupted by an inhuman screech nearby. The first thought that came to mind was that it was a ghost, so Gintoki and Hijikata almost jumped out of their skin. They looked around warily. Complete silence overtook the forest for a minute, and then - rustling right near them.

"H-Hijikata-kun, tell me you remember how to fight." Gintoki muttered as he continued looking around. In the meantime, his hand grasped the handle of his bokuto.

Hijikata seemingly 'glitched' again, and his trademark scowl returned.

"Tch. Of course I know, idiot. I'm the-" He paused, groaned and clutched his head. Gintoki whipped around in alarm to face him, but he was already back to being a lovestruck Hijikata. "I'm the one who will protect you."

Gintoki frowned in confusion.

_What was that just now…?_

"I don't need your protection, I need your _help_."

Hijikata looked somehow disappointed, but he nodded and unsheathed his weapon. Just then, a shadow fell over them, like a cloud was blocking the sun. In addition, a strong gust of wind came from behind them. But that didn't seem right - the trees that were far from them didn't move from the wind, so...

They turned around slowly, only to be met with a huge beast, resembling a bear, but with a bird beak. The creature let out another screech, and Gintoki and Hijikata stumbled back from the 'strong gust of wind' which turned out to be the breath of the creature. They managed to stand their ground, though the problem now was how to approach the monster. Was it worth attacking it? What happens if it attacks and the stupid handcuffs refrain them from dodging or counterattacking?

Hijikata apparently came up with a solution for such a problem, so he commanded, "Wait for it to attack, then follow my lead, okay? I don't want you to get hurt."

"Hijikata-kun, I don't think now is the time for sappy lines from action movies." Gintoki laughed nervously, staring straight into the monster's dark eyes. "Are you sure you know what to do?"

Hijikata didn't have time to reply before their enemy lifted its clawed front legs and, with another piercing shriek, stomped down towards its prey. Gintoki and Hijikata jumped out of the way just in time. The latter then shouted 'go!' and started climbing his way up on the creature's right leg. Gintoki didn't have time to think before he was forced to do the same on the left leg. The bear-bird whined in confusion, then screeched and lifted its legs again, successfully throwing the idiots who dared disturb it in the air. It didn't stomp back down though, so the chance of landing on its back was reduced to zero.

In the last moment, Gintoki managed to grab onto the clumpy fur on the back of the monster's head, but his efforts doubled when he had to support not only his weight, but Hijikata's too when the other stopped mid-fall. Two deafening cracks resounded, one from Gintoki's shoulder and the other from Hijikata's wrist. Great, all they needed now were dislocated or broken bones. With little time to think, Hijikata stabbed the creature's back in order to have something sturdy to hold on to, followed by his other hand grabbing Gintoki's forearm and Gintoki reciprocating the move. All of a sudden, Hijikata gasped.

"Gintoki!" With his hands busy, he nodded towards the back of the creature. There was something red on it, but it wasn't blood, and it resembled the plant from the drawing. "The plant!"

Gintoki turned his head to look at the plants which were seemingly growing out of the monster, but before he could do or say anything, said monster lowered its body to the ground abruptly. The men fell face-down in its fur, but, thankfully, didn't fall further down even if they wanted to get away from the disgusting smell.

The creature made more attempts to get rid of them, in the form of shaking like a wet dog. In short, it wasn't a very pleasant situation, especially when Gintoki's wooden sword slipped from his hand and thumped on the ground. When the shaking stopped, Hijikata hurried to get up and get closer to the bear's neck. As much as he tried to avoid twisting Gintoki's arm in the process, the latter screamed profanities(mainly to the handcuffs, but the pain also got a fair share of being cursed at) before remembering to at least roll on his back to prevent more injuries. It worked for now, and it was significantly easier for Hijikata to get closer and thrust his katana right into the center of the monster's neck.

A loud howl came in response, the earth shook when the beast plopped down, and then it was silent again.


	6. How to resist temptation 101, a guide by Gin-san

Blood. The nasty stench of blood was everywhere, coming from the corpses littered on the ground. Shiroyasha was way beyond the point of being used to it already, so even with his clothes, skin and sword covered with the dark red liquid, he continued making his way through the battlefield.

He had to find his friends. They had to be alive, they couldn't die so easily. He couldn't either, but he was so exhausted, every inch of his body was crying in pain. He didn't stop moving - his goal was clear, and he made sure to not stray from it by repeating in his mind 'I have to find them'. Finally, a familiar figure came into view, along with long black hair swaying in the wind.

"Zura!" He tried to shout, but he had no voice. He tried again and again, reaching out to his friend, but suddenly he couldn't move too. His body and voice strings were completely frozen.

"Gintoki, watch out!"

Before he even registered the warning, a pair of hands appeared from behind and grabbed his face, threatening to break his neck in one clean move, and he wasn't even able to defend himself. So that was the end… He closed his eyes, awaiting for the inevitable death.

His eyes snapped wide open. He was absolutely terrified by the warm palms on his cheeks. He swiftly sat up and crawled away from his assailant, but something was restraining him. Chains?... The pain in his shoulder forced him to stop halfway, his right arm gave away under his weight, and he fell back to the ground. No, no, no, he couldn't die like this! Or rather, he would either die from the hands of the enemy, or from his own blood pressure rising dangerously. All of the signs for the second option were there after all - hazy vision, trembling hands, heart making approximately 120 beats per minute, unsteady breathing. Now that he thought about it, death from a high blood pressure sounded incredibly stupid and unsuitable for a warrior like himself.

"Gintoki?"

The familiar voice snapped him out of his daze. He grabbed his dislocated shoulder to try and stop the pain, but it wasn't going away. He focused his efforts in raising his head to look at Hijikata who sat next to him, his lips pressed in a tight line. Damn it. He mixed up dreams and reality again.

"Hijikata-kun? What… What happened?"

Hijikata sighed and scooted closer. He slipped his right arm under Gintoki's back and pulled him up in a sitting position.

"You fainted after we defeated that monster. It's okay now. It's dead."

Gintoki opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself. It was better if Hijikata was left with the impression that the beast from earlier shook him up like that. He took a few deep breaths, then looked around. Sure enough, the bear-bird laid near them dead, but Gintoki could still hear the horrifying screech in his head.

"The plants?"

Hijikata pointed at a nearby tree - next to the overgrown roots were collected a few of the red plants they were looking for. Gintoki nodded in response and, still clutching his shoulder, moved to stand up. Hijikata followed suit after taking the plants.

"Do you need help for your shoulder?"

_Jeez, what's with this heart-wrenching tone? Is he that worried?_

"It's fine." Gintoki hurried to answer before Hijikata tried to do anything. He released his shoulder, then slowly raised his right arm above his head. The pain became more bearable like that and finally, after bending his arm to the left even more, his shoulder popped back in place. Now that was more like it. With his usual neutral face back, he looked at Hijikata again. "Are _you_ okay? I'm pretty sure I heard another crack that didn't come from me.

"I took care of it while you were resting." Hijikata explained, then smiled and leaned in. The next thing he did caught Gintoki by surprise - a kiss on the cheek. "I'm glad you're okay. Now then, shall we go?"

_What the actual fu-_

"Uh… Yeah. Just wait a second."

Okay, okay. Calm down. Hijikata isn't himself right now, it's normal that he isn't acting like himself too. All that's left now is to bring him back. So Gintoki reached to his belt to take the paper tucked there- huh. That's strange. His bokuto was in place. He was pretty sure he dropped it while fighting. Hijikata must have returned it then. Right. Now that that was out of the way too, Gintoki read the instructions on the paper again. The preparation of the antidote seemed easy enough - just grind the petals into powder and swallow them, with or without water.

"Hijikata-kun, give me your hand."

Gintoki patiently awaited for Hijikata to comply, but instead he stood frozen and wide-eyed, his face red for some reason.

"Y-You… Isn't that too quick? I mean- not that I don't want it, but we haven't even gone to dates or anything-"

_Did he just- Ugh, he got it wrong…_

Gintoki sighed and rephrased his words.

"Hijikata-kun. Give me your hand _literally_ so we can get this over with."

Hijikata nodded slowly and extended his hand with the palm up. Gintoki took one of the plants from his other hand, but just as he was about to begin the grinding- of the petals of course-, Hijikata huffed and glared at him.

"Oi, Yorozuya! Hurry up alre-" and he stopped mid-sentence and winced.

Gintoki just stared at him in confusion, unable to put his finger on the cause of Hijikata's even weirder behavior. Specifically - the sudden change from abnormal Hijikata to normal Hijikata and back to abnormal Hijikata.

"Hiji-" He started, but was immediately cut off by Hijikata kissing him out of nowhere, so everything he attempted to say came out as 'mmf'. He tried to break away, to no avail - he was held in place with the same hands on his cheeks he felt before and after he woke up. Abnormal Hijikata obviously wasn't going to release him soon, so he gave up trying to escape and instead got to work with preparing the plant. It also gave him the time to think of a hopefully successful plan.

"Gintoki." Hijikata breathed out as he pulled back. "Let me stay like this, please. I don't want to turn back to the Hijikata you know."

Gintoki's hand flew up to his mouth in the guise of acting surprised while he was actually gathering the powder with his tongue. He braced himself for his next actions and prayed silently that the powder would not melt in _his_ mouth by the time he was done executing plan B. Then, he nodded and kissed Hijikata, quickly slipping his tongue between the other's lips. All kinds of thoughts passed through his mind, ranging from 'Please, let this work' to 'Why does he still taste like cigarettes' and 'Damn, he's actually a good kisser'.

But all that disappeared after a minute when a thoroughly pissed normal Hijikata bit his tongue, then pushed him away.

"What the _fuck_ is wrong with you, Yorozuya?! Have you lost your mind?"

Gintoki smiled, despite his hurt tongue.

"Welcome back, mayo freak."


	7. How to barely dodge a bullet 101 - an unhelpful guide by Hijikata Toshiro

"Don’t 'mayo freak' me! Explain yourself!" Hijikata shouted, but it came a bit muffled because of his hand clasped over his mouth protectively. Gintoki didn't seem willing to repeat the scene from a minute ago, but still, Hijikata felt safer when he had that protection, as simple as it was.

"Relax, Hijikata-kun. Believe me, I felt like puking just from the thought of kissing you-" An obvious lie, now that he found out that the Vice Chief had not only a fierce temper, but fierce skills in kissing too. Uh, not that he was ever going to try that again. "-but you wouldn't let me give you the antidote otherwise. Plus, you kissed me first. Don't you remember anything?"

Hijikata fell silent for a while, his gaze falling to the ground. He felt like heavy rocks were scrambling his brain when he tried to remember everything, but it was surprisingly easy, unlike his previous turns into his otaku alter Ego. He finally looked back up, but immediately averted his gaze again. Damn, he couldn't even look at Gintoki after the embarrassing things they did. He focused on being angry rather than embarrassed.

"I remember that you made me spend my money on your stupid sweets, you moron! You better repay me."

Gintoki held his hands up in defense.

"I can't promise anything. Anyway, do you know why you were so…" He paused for a second to come up with a proper word. "...glitchy? It was almost like seeing Tama malfunctioning."

Hijikata crossed his arms, but as soon as he realized he was still handcuffed to Gintoki, he resigned and let his hands fall down to his sides. Even being too close to Gintoki felt somehow dangerous. Like they were crossing a line that didn't need to be crossed. Even though they already did with all that skin-to-skin contact and saliva exchanging. The point was, Hijikata didn't want to cross said line again.

"I was trying to fight this… whatever it was that turned me into a brainless idiot like you. Good thing I still managed to fight normally…" He finished with a sigh, pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it.

"Yeah, and you dislocated my shoulder in the process. And I didn't even get my thanks for saving you from more embarrassment." Gintoki grumbled. Now it was his turn to cross his arms which prevented Hijikata from smoking, much like he did while they were on the plane, but instead of scolding him more, the latter simply took the cigarette with his other hand. "But whatever. Gorilla will be paying me, so that 'thanks' will be enough."

Hijikata rolled his eyes and, without saying anything, began making his way out of the forest. Gintoki followed. The rest of their way to the Terminal passed in silence, and frowning from Hijikata. Gintoki couldn't help but sneak a few peeks at him to make sure that it was indeed the normal Hijikata and the abnormal one was gone. Even though he looked normal, Gintoki double-checked by holding his hand, or at least trying to. The 'attack' was swiftly dodged and in return Gintoki received a smack on the head.

After a few hours, on their way back to Earth, Gintoki fell asleep again, but Hijikata couldn't do the same. He was too busy being embarrassed again. Not just because of what he did - from spouting nonsense to taking care of injured Gintoki and even ki-... touching... his... lips. Though he was more embarrassed that he couldn't foresee that after taking over a case with a new kind of Amanto drug, Sougo would use that drug on him. After all, who else would dare threaten the Vice Chief's reputation like that other than the sadist?

The more troubling part was that the reports clearly said that whoever took the drug would strip them bare of their secrets if they had a crush or something like that. As far as Hijikata knew though, he definitely didn't have a crush on Gintoki. And he definitely wasn't a masochist for that matter.

After making a mental note of avoiding everything that Sougo gives him in the future, Hijikata leaned back in his seat with a frustrated huff. He reluctantly looked at the sleeping man beside him and his frown grew even deeper when he saw the trickle of saliva falling from the corner of Gintoki's parted lips. To top it off, his cheek was squashed on the window, giving him an even more absurd look.

So far, there was nothing attractive in him. Maybe apart from the chiseled face and soft hair- huh? Abnormal Hijikata definitely messed his brain up. So normal Hijikata continued his observation down to the v-neck shirt that showed Gintoki's neck, collarbones, and a who-knows-how-old scar on his chest. Not surprising. Hijikata even remembered that particular scar from the time when they were avoiding each other and ended up together in a sauna. It was actually pretty fun that day, except the part when they were on the brink of actually fainting because of their competitiveness.

But aside from everything, it was completely baffling why that drug or love potion or whatever it was made Gintoki of all people the subject of Hijikata's affection. The guy was extremely lazy, irresponsible, most of the time incredibly stupid, he didn't have the ability to keep his mouth shut, picked his nose so often that it was becoming unhealthy, spent his money on stupid things like pachinko and sweets, occasionally drank himself to oblivion, obviously couldn't take proper care of himself, much less look after two kids who didn't even get paid for their work, and to top it all he was a former Joui rebel and was surely still affiliated with his fellow former and current(namely, Katsura) Joui rebels.

Before Hijikata could give a satisfying answer to his own questions, his thoughts drifted to the war ten years ago. Of course, he knew about the legendary Shiroyasha, but he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that such a merciless and skilled fighter grew to become like this. But maybe that was just his coping mechanism which helped him distance himself from the horrors he went through? Now that he thought about this too, Hijikata pondered on what happened after the fight with that monster earlier. He had dragged the unconscious Gintoki away from the makeshift battlefield, and it was obvious that Gintoki was having a nightmare. While he was out of his mind, Hijikata had tried to calm him down as gently as he could without waking him up, but that only made Gintoki panic and run away from whatever he saw in his dream. Back then, Hijikata was sure that the other was just shaken up from the fight, but now it occurred to him that Gintoki was probably having flashbacks instead of ordinary nightmares.

That was somehow unsettling to know.

Really, he didn't know why he kept staring at a sleeping person like it was no big deal, but after an hour of doing only that, Hijikata snapped out of his daze when Gintoki's eyes opened slowly, looked around, then fixated on him.

"Hijikata-kun… Are we there already?"

Hijikata shook his head and averted his gaze.

"Not yet."

"By the way, just now… were you looking at me?"

"I was looking out the window. You're not the center of the universe."

"...As you say. Creep."


	8. Teenagers are much more dangerous than bear-birds

When Gintoki and Hijikata returned to Edo and made their way to Yorozuya first, they were met with a surprising scene right after opening the door. No, a more fitting word would be shocking. So shocking that they were both on the brink of having heart attacks, fainting, puking, or all of the above.

What they saw, and definitely did not wish to see, was two sworn enemies sitting on one of the couches, engaged in a furious session of what wasn't fighting at all. It looked like cuddling at first, but upon further inspection it turned out to be making out. All the while Sadaharu was laying on the floor nearby, looking unimpressed.

"China!"

"Soda-kun!"

Both men shouted in unison, but then Gintoki realized their mistake and turned around.

"Wait, we messed it up. Let's do it again."

After repeating their entrance, Gintoki and Hijikata dramatically yelled at the top of their lungs again with Gintoki calling 'Kagura!' and Hijikata - 'Sougo!' this time, then their voices merged in a half-concerned, half-disturbed "What do you think you’re doing?!"

Kagura and Sougo, after detaching from each other, also struggled to raise their voices over the other.

"Gin-chan, it's not what it looks like!"

"Hijikata-san, what are you doing here?"

"We asked you first, Sougo!" Hijikata pointed an accusing finger at said sadist, balling his other hand in a fist. "Stop slacking off and go back to work! I mean- Give us the key for those handcuffs first before I use them to strangle you!"

"Oi, do you think your old man is stupid?!" Gintoki paused for a half second to curse inwardly for calling himself an old man, then followed Hijikata suit and pointed a finger at Kagura. "You're too young to give the smoochies to someone that isn't your parent or pet! And you-" He redirected his finger to Sougo who was now looking bored at the sight of not one, but two fingers in his face. Gintoki's eyes narrowed menacingly. "How _dare_ you perform such inappropriate acts on my- on an innocent pure girl?! Did you do anything else to her?"

Sougo was incredibly unimpressed at the enraged men who were now huffing like angry rhinoceroses ready to pounce on him. Though he still had a sense of self-preservation when it came to pissing off the pair of rhino- no, _demons_ , so he held his hands up.

"I was just showing China how to kiss properly. We didn't do anything more than that."

In his frustration, Gintoki's hands flew up to grab on a few tufts of his hair, but he stopped himself in time, because if he were to get bald for real, not only would the biggest part of his protagonist charm disappear, but he would be justifying his own words from earlier. So he just let his hands fall back down and squeezed them into tight fists before slamming the wall behind him with one of them. Needless to say, the poor wall would need a repair.

Hijikata's coping mechanisms consisted of glaring, teeth-gritting and unsheathing his katana, but before he got the chance to do that last thing in his list, a warm palm over his hand stopped him. Gintoki, now much more composed after unleashing his anger on the wall, took a deep calming breath.

"Everything is fine. We just need to find a t-time machine. Right, Hijikata-kun?"

Kagura suddenly stood up with a scowl and a look of determination which had even Sougo gasping in surprise.

"Gin-chan." Kagura started, eerily quiet at first, but as she continued, her voice grew louder and that caused Sadaharu to get up and join her side. "I'm already old enough to decide for myself what's good and bad for me, and you have no right to tell me what to do, especially in that way! You're the worst!" With that, she stormed off outside with Sadaharu following her.

Even though Kagura didn't hit him like she would usually do, Gintoki staggered backwards as if taking a hard blow, wide-eyed and unbelieving. Sougo took the chance to make his leave too after saying he was going back to work. Hijikata barely registered that with how surprised he was too. He turned to look at Gintoki, already beginning to worry about the uncharacteristic way his face was contorted in. He looked the same way he did after waking up in the forest earlier.

"O-Oi, Yorozuya. Do you hear me?" He tried waving a hand in front of Gintoki's face, but he didn't blink, much less respond or move. Hijikata resorted to grabbing the other's shoulders and shaking him. After Gintoki didn't budge again, a slap on his cheek resounded in the room, accompanied by a half-shout of "Yorozuya!"

Gintoki blinked a few times, his gaze gradually falling to the floor. At that motion, his shoulders slumped too, making him look like a withered flower. A few seconds passed, then as if recovering from amnesia, he looked around and finally focused on the only person left there with him. He probably looked pathetic, in front of _this_ person in particular, but right now, the important thing was that he felt like a thousand swords went through his body all at once, twisting around every time Kagura's words echoed in his mind - 'you're the worst'.

Did that mean he failed as Kagura's second father or brother? Did he fail as her friend instead? What was wrong with his need to protect her while she was still fragile? His head overflowed with questions that he thought he managed to voice out to the man in front of him, but all that came out was silence. He had no telepathy or psychic powers like Sa*ki K*suo from 'Sa*ki K*suo no psi nan', and as far as he knew, Hijikata didn't either, but still the latter was looking at him like he recognized his pain.

What felt like hours passed and after his lungs started aching too, adding up to the pain in that other organ nearby, Gintoki remembered to breathe. Hijikata must have waited for this because as soon as Gintoki took a deep breath, he was pulled in for an awkward one-armed hug. Next, he felt a hand on the back of his head, and a hot breath next to his ear.

"Pull yourself together, Yorozuya. It's not your fault for reacting like that, so don't blame yourself. It isn't your kid's fault either - she's just a teenager. And believe me, I've seen far worse from Sougo in his early teens. Leave her be for a while, then talk it out with her. Okay?"

Gintoki relaxed almost to the point of melting into a puddle of guilt and remorse, but held himself together, as Hijikata said, by squeezing on the back of the latter's jacket. He didn't know why Hijikata was helping him, but it was... nice. It was also surprising how easily he was sedated just by a few words and a half-assed hug. He compensated the shame of his near breakdown in front of _that_ person by wiping his suddenly runny nose on said person's shoulder in the guise of snuggling up to him if that even made sense for them now enough to actually do it.

Being perceptive as ever, Hijikata called him out immediately.

"Oi, dumbass, who said you're allowed to smear your snot on me?"

For the first time in forever(except the time when Hijikata wasn't really Hijikata), he didn't sound like he wanted to break Gintoki's neck or gut him or whatever other violent thing came to mind. In fact, he sounded almost… affectionate. Hah. That's funny. How could he be affectionate to the man who was currently barely holding back from sobbing pathetically? That was just bullshit. But he couldn't help showing his weaknesses so easily. It wasn't his fault that he grew so attached to the two kids he was looking after... Right?

Still, there was no denying that it was comfortable being embraced like that, and it stirred awake a memory of ten year-old Gintoki waking up from a nightmare and running straight to Shoyo's open arms. With no intention of going back _there_ , Gintoki forced himself to smile.

"...Yorozuya Gin-san will be happy to help you clean up the mess for the fair price of 5 000 yen and ignoring what just happened without telling anyone afterwards. You're a tax thief, you can afford it."

Ah, now that was more like it. Hijikata breathed a sigh of a mix of relief and annoyance. His(favorite) idiot was back. Though Gintoki still didn't move, in fact - neither of them did even if it was extremely awkward.

"Also stop breathing in my ear, it's gross."


	9. Negotiations shouldn't be that hard, right?

Even though it was dark out and his shift was probably over, Hijikata genuinely missed going to work, but after seeing what the scene from earlier escalated into, it would be better to put up with Gintoki for some more time. He still felt empathy after all, he wasn't such a monster.

So, after a solid hour of practically doing nothing but hugging the hell out of Gintoki, said man seemed ready to go and face Kagura. Now that he had calmed down completely from his shock, he was starting to panic because of his lack of knowledge in voicing his worries out properly. What does he do? Heart-to-heart talks are not his strength unless he's in a life-threatening situation and must say something cool as the protagonist. But this was different. 

He didn't really have to rely on Hijikata for this too, right? Right? He wasn't so helpless, damn it! Though his mind told him otherwise when he remembered another thing about Shoyo - he used to say something about how relying on others means you get stronger because instead of you bearing a burden alone, someone helps you carry it... or something along these lines. After so many years the memories were beginning to get a little hazy.

In short, he just had to seek help from someone. But why the Vice Chief of all people? It could have been Shinpachi, but that boy still hadn't made his debut in this fanfic and Gintoki was starting to worry a bit. But then again, the only other Straight man™ was here and apparently willing to help out. Damn, he had to use the power of police duty and Straight man™ duty coming in a package of 'buy 1 get 2 free'. But it seemed more reliable than the package of a Virgin boy and Straight man™ either way.

...Huh? Did that mean that Gintoki was supposed to buy the Hijikata package? Er, not _that_ package, of course! We're talking figuratively here!

Lost in seemingly meaningless thoughts, Gintoki didn't realize they were standing on the porch of Yorozuya until the Policeman and Straight man™ package spoke to him.

"Are you ready to go find your kid now?"

"Stop with that, she's not my kid." Gintoki answered half-heartedly, somehow entering the tsundere parent mode again. Still, despite denying it, something warmed in his chest. He gave the credit for that to the heat outside. Seriously, summer was so troublesome with the temperature refusing to drop even in the evening. "But when we find her… What should I tell her?"

Hijikata hummed in thought, "Tell her you're sorry and explain your actions and words. You know, even if you think she's still young, she is old enough to understand you. Furthermore, she would be happy if you're treating her like an adult."

Gintoki sighed and ruffled his hair.

"For some reason, 'treating her like an adult' sounds scary..."

Without another word, they took off to the nearest playground where Kagura usually went. Expectedly, said girl was sitting on a bench there, angrily munching on a sukonbu strip while Sadaharu ran around, possibly chasing a butterfly. Gintoki stopped in front of Kagura(and Hijikata did too because he didn't have much of a choice) and pointed to the empty space beside her.

"Hey, young Miss, can I sit here?"

Kagura paused her eating, then resumed it without saying anything. Her eyes remained fixated on a pebble on the ground. Gintoki took it as a cue to sit down, pulling Hijikata along, and the latter ended up between him and Kagura.

"Mayora, tell the lazy idiot samurai that I'm still angry at him. Also do this-" She twisted her body, delivering a strong punch to Hijikata's stomach. "-to him."

Hijikata, after regaining the breath that he just coughed out, copied Kagura's hit on Gintoki. Obviously, it was weaker than a super strong Amanto's hit, but still Gintoki doubled over, wheezing.

"She said that you're a lazy idiot." Hijikata finished with a poker face.

_That's just half of what she said!_

Gintoki straightened up again, slowly but surely and took a few breaths before responding.

"M-Mayora, tell the Amanto girl here that I'm sorry."

Hijikata turned to regard Kagura.

"He says he's sorry."

"Mayora, tell him that he has to do better than just saying a simple 'sorry'."

Hijikata opened his mouth again to bring the message to the other end of the bench, but Gintoki beat him to it.

"Mayora, tell her that I'm genuinely sorry, but I can't help worrying about her well-being."

Wow, that was definitely easier when they had a messenger. Save for the fact that the messenger in question hasn't said anything much and instead focused on looking at the sky and smoking.

"Mayora, tell him that I'm strong and can take care of myself without him butting in my personal life."

"Mayora, tell her that I have promised her father to keep her safe. Also tell her that I… um… trust her and respect her wish. I will do my best in fulfilling it."

"Mayora, tell him that- huh?" Kagura stopped in her tracks. She finally looked up with reddened puffy eyes. "You… will? Do you promise?"

"I promise, but only if you don't let boys and men older than Soichiro-kun in your personal life because your dad is gonna kill me first. And remember - all men are trash."

"Gin-chan-" Kagura stood up abruptly, walked closer to Gintoki and threw her arms around his neck, squeezing him almost to the point of actually suffocating him. Though he didn't seem to mind. Instead he smiled and ruffled her hair. Kagura sniffled and in turn nuzzled his already unruly hair. "I'm sorry for saying those things, Gin-chan… I didn't mean them. You… You may be a man too, but you're still my Earth papi."

_Ouch. That hurt in the sweetest way possible. If that even makes sense…_

Gintoki felt his free(well, technically handcuffed) hand raise up, then saw Hijikata wiping something from just below his eye.

"Oi, did you remember a scene from 'My Neighbor Pedoro' or something?"

Hijikata looked away immediately.

"I got smoke in my eye from that damn cigarette…"

Gintoki nodded in acknowledgement, wiped one manly tear away and brought his hand to Kagura's back.

"What a coincidence, my eyes teared up because of the smell of sukonbu."

Kagura didn't miss the opportunity to also mask her crying.

"Gin-chan, your hair is everywhere, it got in my eyes too…"


	10. Sadists cannot be trusted, especially if their name starts with 'S'

"By the way, Gin-chan." Kagura spoke up after a while as she released Gintoki from the chokehold. "Why is Mayora with you? Are you trying to befriend each other?"

"Ah, this? Soichiro-kun handcuffed us again." Gintoki explained, sounding disinterested as always again. He stuck a finger in his nose casually, and Kagura copied him immediately while nodding in apprehension. "Which reminds me- Hijikata-kun, we need to find him and Gorilla. I need my hard-earned money and my beauty sleep."

"Seriously, what's up with you sleeping so much? You really are a lazy idiot..." Hijikata muttered as he took his phone out. He sighed and called Sougo. Almost a minute later, he picked up. "You forgot to give us the key, Sougo. Where are you now?"

"Hijikata-san, where are your manners? Calling and getting to business without even saying 'hello'..."

Hijikata pinched the bridge of his nose and lowered his voice to a threatening growl.

"Just tell me where you are, and make it quick."

"Ah, well… I'm patrolling around the dango shop."

In the meantime, Gintoki still recapped the vision of Kagura and Sougo together. To avoid more of these kinds of problems, he came to the conclusion that Kagura had to go somewhere safe, away from any boy's grabby hands. Before he could say anything about it though, Sadaharu ran towards him, stopped behind him and bit his whole arm. It didn't faze him much, but it was still uncomfortable with his arm covered in saliva. After a light pat from Kagura, Sadaharu whined and pulled back, but instead of tormenting Gintoki more, he plopped his head on said man's lap.

Hijikata had hung up by that time, and was now staring at the white fluff ball. And no, not Gintoki's hair - the bigger monstrous white fluff ball.

"Uh… Yorozuya? I think we should go now if we want those handcuffs off."

Gintoki nodded and stood up slowly so as to not startle Sadaharu, then turned to Kagura.

"Ah, I forgot to ask - did Shinpachi come over today?"

Kagura shook her head.

"He called to say that big sister was sick and he was taking care of her. Oh- Actually, can I go visit them? I'm worried about big sister…"

Gintoki sighed in relief, glad that Kagura was on the same page as him, even if their reasons were different. He gave his permission by wiping whatever he found in his nose on Kagura's hair. Kagura responded by wiping her hand on his yukata, and after that, she jumped on Sadaharu's back, waved goodbye and took off. Gintoki smiled as he watched them go, but he quickly remembered about his new goals - getting rid of the handcuffs and taking his money for the hard work.

And so, Gintoki and Hijikata also went on their way to the dango shop - Gintoki and Sougo's occasional meeting spot. Though when they got there, Sougo was taking a nap on a bench nearby. Hijikata didn't resist the temptation to kick him off the bench. In the span of a few seconds, Sougo pushed his eyemask up and pulled out a bazooka out of nowhere, pointing it at Hijikata. However, he didn't shoot - upon seeing Gintoki, he lowered his weapon and murmured something under his breath about failing to kill Hijikata again.

"Soichiro-kun, I think you should give us something." Gintoki reminded.

Sougo nodded and stood up, dusting himself off. Then, he caught Gintoki and Hijikata's hands, placed them above each other and in the most monotone voice only he could muster, said, "I give you my blessing. Boss, make sure to take good care of Hijikata-san. I know he's a little too much to handle, but I'm sure you'll get along."

Said men used their free hands to grab Sougo's collar.

"The damn key, Sougo! Give us the _key_!"

"Oi, do you have a death wish? Did you arrange all that on purpose so that you can lay your hands on Kagura while we're not around? Huh?"

"Now, now, it was just an experiment, Boss. It was pure coincidence that China asked me to show her a thing or two today. It won't happen again."

Gintoki didn't buy it, but he huffed and released his sadist apprentice. Hijikata followed suit after a second and lit yet another cigarette.

"Good, because you violated Regulation 46 of the Kyokuchuu Hatto. If you give us the key now, I'll close my eyes for that. Understood?"

Sougo sighed and took a key out of his pocket, but before he could hand it over, he dropped it… in a sewer. 'Accidentally'. The three of them watched as the key fell in slow-motion, then looked back up.

The only apology Sougo offered was "Oops."

A few seconds of silence passed, then Hijikata's rage unleashed in the form of trying to strangle Sougo. Much to his dismay though, Gintoki held him back, but he still continued to squirm around, accompanied with many curses and threats to Sougo's life. Sougo's sadistic nature broke through completely, and he grinned as he watched the Vice Chief shout at him, then at Gintoki, then back at him like a furious dog on a leash.

"Hijikata-san, you'll get wrinkles if you frown so much." Sougo teased, but when he was attacked with an unusual glare from Gintoki, his smile froze. "...Oh."

After Hijikata finally calmed down, Gintoki released him. The latter cracked a few knuckles before saying slowly, "Soichiro-kun… You don't want to die so young, do you? Now be a good boy and go find a spare key or I'll let Hijikata-kun get you."

Sougo nodded and immediately turned to make his way to the Shinsengumi headquarters. Gintoki and Hijikata followed him just in case as it was still unclear if Sougo would give them a key which worked for those handcuffs. It was possible that he still wanted to fool around.

Nevertheless, Gintoki and Hijikata chose to remain positive that the torture of being stuck together would end soon.


	11. Mayonnaise and sweets = oil and water

Almost an hour later, Sougo failed to find a key that could unlock the handcuffs. Gintoki and Hijikata joined in the search, but couldn't find anything either. They tried with chopsticks too, but it didn't work. Breaking through metal with a katana was also out of the question - the blade they used ended up broken instead of the handcuffs. It was already too late, so they had no other choice but to join the Shinsengumi's dinner after coming to the conclusion that they had to seek Gengai's help tomorrow. And Gintoki could as well take advantage of their situation to get free food because why not? He could, and he would.

Speaking of the dinner, it was awkwardly quiet. No one dared to talk, much less to Hijikata. All of them just sneaked a few glances at Gintoki, then proceeded their eating without asking questions in fear of angering their short-tempered Vice Chief. A few tense minutes later, Kondo decided to speak up first.

"So, Toshi… First of all, I'm glad you're back. But, err… What will you two do now? Did you come up with a solution for your problem?"

Hijikata looked up for a second, then looked back down at his food and sighed.

"We have no choice. We'll go to Gengai's workshop tomorrow."

Gintoki shuddered from the mere thought of visiting that crazy old man again. He had promised to himself to never seek his help again after that time when he and Hijikata switched bodies. It was an unpleasant situation indeed. Good thing they weren't stuck in each other's bodies again this time.

"Hijikata-san, I think I have an idea." Sougo spoke up from the other end of the table. After his encounter with Hijikata's fist from earlier when they failed to find suitable tools for unlocking handcuffs, he was sporting a black eye now, but he didn't seem so fazed by it.

"I don't even want to hear your voice, Sougo." Hijikata growled. "It's your fault for this."

Gintoki nodded absent-mindedly while munching on his Uji Gintoki-don which was prepared by the oh-so-thoughtful- uh… what was his name again? Jimmy?... Whatever. Kondo cleared his throat and leaned towards Hijikata, lowering his voice.

"Anyway, Toshi. I was talking about the other problem. If you want, you can go at the Yorozuya's for tonight. We'll be fine without you for a while, so you don't have to worry about anything."

"No way!" Gintoki protested immediately. "I'm not letting this guy anywhere near my room! It's gonna smell like mayonnaise and cigarettes!"

Hijikata whipped around to face him with the speed of light.

"What was that? You think I'll let _you_ in _my_ room?" Hijikata retorted. "I'd rather die than do that!"

Gintoki gritted his teeth, Hijikata did the same, and they slammed their foreheads together, each of them trying to push the other away.

"You should have seen it coming! Quit whining like a little girl!"

"You're the one who's whining! You just don't appreciate the divine tastes that I have!"

"Tch- Divine, my ass! What's divine about that dog food? You admit you're a Bakufu dog that way? Huh? Is that it? You even bark like one!" (After that statement Sougo gave a thumbs-up) 

"Who are you calling a dog, you dead fish? Hurry and bite your tongue before I cut it off!"

Everyone stared dumbstruck at the arguing men who were now rolling their sleeves up, but otherwise didn't make an attempt to hurt each other. In contrast, Kondo refused to stand around helpless, so he stood up, walked behind Gintoki and Hijikata, muttered an apology and grabbed their heads, hitting them against each other. Now _that_ made them stop their quarrel.

"Toshi, apologize now. Yorozuya, same goes to you." Kondo commanded as he returned to his seat, and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Gintoki and Hijikata, clutching their heads, looked at each other, made grimaces, then looked away and mumbled something under their breaths. Kondo made sure to correct them, "I can't hear it."

The grumpy 'kids' apologized properly after the third attempt. After that, everyone finished eating as fast as possible and scurried off to their rooms before the Vice Chief's wrath reached them too. Gintoki and Hijikata followed their example by going to Hijikata's room.

Taking their shoes off by the door was easy, but the handcuffs still created more and more issues: one - an inability to remove their clothes and change in sleepwear, and two - being forced to sleep in a close proximity. Hijikata took care of the second issue by laying a spare futon at a safe distance next to his. While he was pondering on the first issue, Gintoki solved it halfway by taking his yukata off, as he always wore it off his right arm that was now handcuffed. After cursing and groaning for a few minutes, Hijikata accepted his fate of having to sleep with his uniform on.

At last, they laid down, but neither closed his eyes. They stared at the ceiling as if they could find something enlightening there.

"...Hijikata-kun, what are you thinking about?" Gintoki asked after a while, successfully popping the bubble of serenity around them.

"I'm wondering about the purpose of human life." Hijikata replied, the irony evident in his sour tone. "Also about why you're so stupid."

"I'm not stupid, you're stupid. Don't make me remind you what incredibly stupid things you did while you were out of your mind back on that planet." Gintoki shot back. He turned on his side and tucked his left hand under his head(which was still hurting because of the Gorilla's brute strength). "I can't wait for tomorrow when I can finally be free from staring at your ugly face constantly."

Hijikata clicked his tongue and glared at Gintoki.

"Then stop staring already. It's not like I'm forcing you to do it."

Gintoki huffed, but didn't object and instead closed his eyes.

"Whatever. Just don't look at me like you did on the plane. It's seriously creeping me out."

"I told you I was looking out the window. I saw you waking up, so that's why I looked at you."

"Yeah? And how did you see I was waking up without actually looking at me? Hijikata-kun, your logic is priceless."

"Peripheral vision." Hijikata hissed. He managed to hold back from lashing out again. He was too tired for this. Though as he tried to get some sleep, he remembered about Sougo and Kagura. It was a long day, and that event was the cherry on top. Hijikata sighed and opened his mouth to talk, but his eyes remained closed. "By the way, I didn't get my thanks for helping you with your kid."

He awaited for a response, but all he got was slow rhythmic breathing and light snoring. Another sigh later, he finally relaxed and dozed off too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 11 chapters in, and I have compared Hijikata to a dog 4 times... sorry, Toshi :')


	12. Gin without tama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll quote Sougo: "Oops."

The first one to wake up was naturally Hijikata. He sat up slowly and stretched his arms, though something was weighing down his left one. His gaze moved to the arm that was handcuffed to his. It appeared somehow smaller and thinner, but Hijikata dismissed it with his half-asleep state.

He rubbed the sleep off his eyes and turned to wake Gintoki up. He wasn't going to allow the lazy guy to prevent him from his morning routine after all. So he reached out to shake Gintoki's shoulder, but his hand missed its target and landed on something soft. He looked down to the cause of the softness and barely suppressed a scream when he finally focused on the Yorozuya boss' obviously feminine features and big… Oh. So that's what he was touching.

Oh.

Shit.

Wait. Why were there feminine features again? What the hell? He was pretty sure Gintoki was a male when they went to bed last night. And what he saw now was definitely a woman. Refusing to believe it, Hijikata rubbed his eyes again. When he opened them, his suspicions were affirmed - he wasn't dreaming or hallucinating. Then how the fuck- No, no, no. He's going back to sleep. He was obviously having a nightmare and he figured that if he fell asleep in his dream, he would wake up and everything would be normal. Wait. What if he falls asleep in his dream and has a dream in the dream and- Huh? Okay, that was too confusing.

"Hijikata-kun?"

_Shitshitshit he/she(?) woke up!_

Hijikata froze in his place, the corner of his lips trembling. Even Gintoki's normal deep voice has changed to a higher one.

"G-Good morning, Yorozuya."

Gintoki groaned in displeasure at being woken up so early.

"Were you staring at me again? Seriously, I told you to stop already, didn't I?"

Hijikata laughed his confusion and nervousness away instead of giving an answer. Gintoki pulled his blanket over his shoulder, but his arm brushed on his new assets. He stopped in his tracks immediately.

"What- Did I hug the pillow again?" He murmured to himself. He got a grip on the 'pillow', but froze again. "Huh, that's strange. It almost feels like I'm Ginko again. Hijikata-kun, what are you doing in my dream anyway? You're not gonna do anything weird, are you? Jeez, I hope this dream doesn't resemble some genderbent R-rated doujinshi…"

Hijikata chose to stare at the ceiling to avoid looking at Gintoki while he was like this.

"Believe me, I wish it was a dream too."

Gintoki obviously didn't register his words because he- she, Ginko, sat up and leaned in to get a closer look at Hijikata.

"Damn, my imagination sure is working well. You look exactly like Hijikata-kun." To prove her words, she poked Hijikata's cheek - he still refused to look down. "Huh? Hijikata-kun, did you freeze?"

Hijikata's body stiffened at the touch. He redirected his attention to the door.

"You're not dreaming, Yorozuya. And don't touch me while you're like this!"

Ginko tilted her head to the side. Hijikata did have a point though - everything felt too real to be a dream. So she looked down to her new body, blinked a few times and went back to examining the big features. They seemed real enough. The next moment, a not so manly scream of 'Whaaat?!' echoed in the room. That seemed to have woken up a few Shinsengumi officers who arrived a few seconds later and opened the door to Hijikata's room, still in their pajamas.

"Vice Chief, what's wrong?!" The men hurried to ask. Their attention was quickly brought to Ginko who stared back in confusion and surprise. They gasped and pointed at her. "A woman?!"

"Vice Chief, why is there a woman here? Isn't that against the Kyoku-" One of the officers started, but Hijikata cut him off.

"That's Yorozuya's boss, you idiots! See?" He raised his left arm to show that he was still handcuffed to Gintoki-slash-Ginko. "I would never bring a woman here!"

"That's right! I'm definitely not a woman and I-... I would have shown you, but there's no point when I'm in this stupid body…" Ginko finished with a sigh and lowered her gaze. Though the presence of three more men obviously didn't stop her from fondling her breasts again, much to Hijikata's dismay. "Not that I complain about these though…"

"Oi, stop that, you pervert!" Hijikata raised a hand for a smack on the head, but resigned at the last moment and instead resorted to pulling a lock of Ginko's hair. Even if he knew that Ginko was Gintoki and the other way around, it still felt wrong to even think of hitting a woman.

"Aah~ Hijikata-kun, people are watching~"

As soon as she said that in such a soft tone, almost like moaning, said people closed the door before Hijikata could have a chance to tell them off.

"Damn it, Yorozuya! Can't you be serious for a moment?! What happened to you?"

"I don't know, okay?" Ginko snapped, and crossed her arms to copy the anime busty girl trademark pose. It succeeded in making Hijikata look down there again, but his gaze didn't linger for longer than a second. "Maybe it's something related to those Dekobokko extremists. Also, you can call me Ginko until we figure this out."

"But- Didn't Kyuubei-san already defeat them? You're obviously the only one who changed gender! And what do you mean, 'we'?! I'm leaving you on your own after we get rid of those handcuffs!"

Ginko pouted, squirmed around a bit and used her secret weapon - an even softer voice. The only thing that was missing was the sparkling background.

"You're just going to leave a helpless girl like that? Mr. Officer, don't be so mean…" 

_Hopefully that doesn't awaken something in him that isn't related to police duty…_

"You…" Hijikata paused, clicked his tongue and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Somehow you became a bigger idiot overnight. I'll help you, but you should cover your, uh… _that_."

Ginko raised a brow and looked back down to examine her new body again. The currently too big shirt for her body was slipping down, so she zipped it up to at least cover her breasts. The zip refused to budge further, and she wondered whether she should be worried or happy that she was gifted with such a big rack. Not that Gin-san wasn't originally gifted with other things, but… anyway.

Hijikata waited for her to tighten her belt too and to also take her- his… Gin-san's yukata, then stood up and started leading the way out of the Shinsengumi headquarters.

He also made sure to glare at anyone who threw dirty looks at the now female Gintoki, complete with threats of seppuku for anyone who dared to even think of doing something inappropriate.

Ginko was maybe a tad bit too amused because of this.


	13. Just when you think that the sky has cleared up, more stormy clouds come over to ruin the day

It was inexplicably hard for Hijikata that morning. He had to go through Shinsengumi's morning assembly with reciting their rules, then assigning the the daily tasks and patrol areas, with a woman by his side. The worst part was that that woman occasionally either picked her nose or made stupid remarks concerning the regulations in the Kyokuchuu Hatto, so Hijikata resorted to covering her mouth with his hand in order to proceed with his talking undisturbed. Ginko didn't protest - she just stood there with a deadpan expression.

As soon as Hijikata dismissed his men, Ginko pushed his hand away and turned to look at him. By the way, why didn't her height remain the same as Gin-san's? Now that she had to look up at Hijikata, he looked almost scary. If Ginko didn't know better, she would either be cowering in fear or falling for-... Nope. Let's stick to the usual Gin-san behavior. He and Ginko weren't so easily intimidated by a nicotine addict with ridiculous V-bangs that he probably shapes every day with mayonnaise. Though it was still unfair that Gin-san turned into Ginko, but Hijikata didn't turn into Tenko. Something was definitely off. They were supposed to be in this mess together after all, right?

"Oi, Mayora, didn't you take your lesson from the Soul Switch Arc? What's with those useless rules again?"

Hijikata glared at her.

"I did take my lesson, so I won't allow Shinsengumi to become a crazy gang again. Why, do you have a problem with that?"

_Fuck, what's with this scary aura? Was he always this intimidating?..._

Ginko laughed nervously and raised her hands defensively.

"N-No, of course not." The hell, did she just stutter?! "Anyway, I forgot my bokuto, I'll go take it!"

With that said, she turned and started marching back to Hijikata's room. Hijikata sighed and followed her as he didn't have much of a choice. After they both retrieved their weapons, Ginko stared at hers as if she was nostalgic. Though that impression was gone the moment she said, "Okay… Let's go find the old man."

After another short arguing session, they came to the conclusion that they had to take a car. Ginko was opposed to it, but Hijikata refused to walk around in his uniform with a seemingly defenseless woman handcuffed to him.

When they reached their destination(with Ginko being forced to crawl across the passenger and driver's seat in order to get out of the car), they hesitated to walk in the workshop, but it was too late to turn back.

"Ah, Ginnoji!" Gengai called out. He was working on a shady machine again, but stopped upon seeing his guests. "...And the demonic Vice Chief? Haha, you two sure come here together often, don't you?"

"We need your help, old man." Ginko responded instead of a greeting, and lifted her right hand to show the handcuffs. "Also my name's Gintoki- I mean, it's Ginko now."

Gengai adjusted his goggles and hummed in thought as he assessed the situation.

"Yes, yes, I see you grew a pair- in the wrong place. I think I have a machine to fix that. We'll just have to extract your soul and bring it back to your-"

"No, no, no!" Ginko protested, waving her hands around in a panic. "We just need to get the handcuffs off first! Then we can think of a way to turn me back into a man!"

Hijikata nodded in approval because who knows what could happen if he was stuck with Ginko while she was being used as a guinea pig. Gengai shook his head, but it seemed like they convinced him. He walked around the workshop, muttering something under his breath until he finally stopped in front of a tall showcase, covered with a cloth. He pulled the cloth away, opened the showcase and took out a perfectly normal-looking katana. He walked back in front of Ginko and Hijikata and readied the weapon to strike the handcuffs.

"Now, I have to warn you that whatever this blade touches disappears, so-"

"Waaait!" Ginko shouted again, and hurriedly snatched the katana from Gengai's hands. "It's fine, I'll do it!"

Now that Gin-san was Ginko, the katana felt heavier than usual, but she still managed to raise it, pointing its blade down to the handcuffs- but she was stopped. Hijikata suddenly grabbed her hands, his face and posture serious as ever, and… what the hell, why are his eyes sparkling like that? Wait, not just his eyes - the background is sparkling too!

"Leave it to me, Yorozuya." Even his voice sounded like he was the main love interest in a shoujo anime.

_Oiiii! Why are you acting cool all of a sudden?!_

"Aha ha... Hijikata-kun, I'm pretty sure I can still raise a sword. At least I would have raised one this morning, but, you know, this body stopped me."

"...Uh." Was it just in Hijikata's head or was that talk about swords filled with innuendos? "No, let me do it. I don't want my hand to disappear if you miss your target!"

_Phew, the shoujo vibes disappeared. That's good._

Ginko rolled her eyes and thrusted the weapon in Hijikata's hand.

"Tch, whatever. Do what you want."

Even if she was Ginko now, Gin-san's consciousness was still intact... mostly. But for some reason, it was like something was preventing her from bickering with Hijikata like usual. Ah- she wasn't struck by that love potion too, right?

While she was lost in thought, Hijikata stepped back to prevent injuries and disappearing limbs, and swung down to the handcuffs. The blade passed through them easily, and they disappeared immediately. In a sudden surge of excitement, Ginko thrusted her fists in the air.

"Yes!! I'm free at last!"

Hijikata simply rolled his eyes and rubbed his wrist after returning the katana to Gengai. The latter brought it back to its place, then proceeded to look for a machine, suitable for changing genders. After a few minutes, he returned to his guests, looking disappointed.

"I'm sorry, Ginnoji. Come back after two weeks or so."

Ginko stopped in her tracks, her smile freezing and shoulders slumping.

"Huh? Two weeks? No, no, no, I can't live in this body for two weeks! I want my tama* back!!" Proceeding with her freaking out, she turned to Hijikata, grabbed his collar and shook him like a rag doll. "Hijikata-kun, say something! You agreed to help me, right? Right??"

Hijikata blinked a few times, then averted his gaze.

"Well… If Gengai can't help you now, I don't know what else we can do."

"At least you can help by protecting Ginnoji until he's back to normal." Gengai suggested. "Right, Vice Chief? He can't even use a sword properly while he's like this after all. And you're his friend, aren't you?"

Hijikata.exe has stopped working. Ginko freaked out even more.

"You don't understand! I don't need protection! I'm the main character, damn iiiit!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * in this case, _tama_ can be translated either as 'soul' or 'balls' - the same way it's usually used as a pun in Gintama(though it sounds funnier in Japanese ^^")


	14. Boredom is dangerous, but being stuck with a bored pervert has more risks

After departing from Gengai's workshop, Ginko somehow talked Hijikata into giving her a ride to the Yorozuya office/apartment. She also invited him in with the excuse that it was too quiet with the kids and dog gone. Even she didn't know what she was talking about, but it felt right to push the responsibility of her current situation to Hijikata.

Hijikata was absolutely stupefied, constantly mulling over how he was going insane from having to be stuck with the Yorozuya boss for more than 24 hours, but otherwise he didn't make an attempt to leave as he already, stupidly, gave his word to help Ginko return to being Gin-san again.

Now, after changing in proper clothes(which were left behind after their first gender switch) Ginko was sitting behind the desk with her legs propped up on it while reading Jump. Hijikata was sitting on the couch that was spared from being used for making-out the other day, his back straightened and his fists clenched on his knees. Something about seeing the nuisance called Gintoki in a woman's body made him extremely uneasy, and he miserably failed to hide it. He had felt the same way during the Dekobokko crisis, but he blamed it on his own transition into a woman. Maybe the uneasiness was caused by the fact that he couldn't have a proper fight or even an argument with the white-haired samurai for some reason. It was almost like they were thrown off balance and somehow forced to behave in a way that they usually shouldn't be. But then again, there was something comforting in the silence, a little bit of something that promised a light at the end of the tunnel in which they were right now.

A groan brought Hijikata back to reality, and he instantly looked up to the source of it. Ginko had left the Jump on the desk and her attention was focused on Hijikata for who knows how long.

"Hijikata-kun…" She drawled slowly, making sure to show her boredom with every syllable. If it weren't for the high voice, that would be said in a very Gin-san-like fashion. "You haven't said a word since we came here. What's up? Cat got your tongue? Oh~ Or is it that you're appreciating Gin-san's sexiness while he's in this form?"

Hijikata choked on his own breath.

"What the hell are you talking about?! There's nothing sexy in your body, whether it's male or female!"

"Eeh, is that so?" Ginko trailed off as she rocked back and forth in the chair. "Are you asexual then?"

Hijikata masked his confusion and embarrassment as anger. Or at least he tried.

"What's with that question? I'm not- Why do you even care in the first place?"

"I don't. I'm just bored, so I thought trying to talk with you would be a good entertainment." Ginko explained. She sighed and stood up. "Anyway, I'm gonna take a shower now."

Hijikata nodded in response. Even though Ginko said what she was about to do, she lingered in front of the bathroom door. Hijikata thought of questioning her, but resigned. She answered the silent question by looking over her shoulder with a shit-eating grin.

"Aren't you going to join me, Hijikata-kun? What if I slip and fall? You were supposed to protect me, weren't you?"

The man in question stared back unbelieving. As soon as the small voice in the back of his head reminded him that this was still Gintoki, his hand found a pillow on the couch, and he threw it in Ginko's face.

"Go to hell, perverted permhead!"

Ginko's grin only widened as she caught the pillow and tossed it back at Hijikata.

"If you're looking for another word starting with 'p', I normally also have a big-" Thankfully, Hijikata managed to throw the pillow back, successfully muffling the next word. After the pillow flew back to him a second time, Ginko stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry(seriously, could this idiot get any less mature?). "I was gonna say 'pet', stupid. Who's the pervert now?"

Hijikata's face grew red with anger and something else that he didn't want to admit. He took a few strained breaths to regain his composure and pointed to the bathroom door.

"Go! Now!"

Ginko opened her mouth to say something else, but resigned and instead gave a quick salute to Hijikata before going into the bathroom and closing the door. After unleashing his rage on the poor pillow, Hijikata stomped out on the porch, slammed the door shut behind him and hurriedly lit a cigarette. Before he could properly calm his nerves though, a thoroughly annoyed Otose walked out of the bar downstairs.

"Oi, Gintoki! What are you doing, slamming the-" Otose stopped in her tracks upon seeing Hijikata. Her expression softened a bit, but her scowl didn't disappear. Her upper lip curled in dissatisfaction. "Are you two fighting again?"

"Y-Yeah... Sorry for the disturbance." Hijikata hurried to apologize. "I'll try to prevent the idiot from doing anything stupid.

Otose still didn't look pleased.

"Ugh, whatever. Tell Gintoki that he needs to pay rent. He's still three months behind on it."

Before Hijikata could give a response, Otose disappeared back into the bar. He finished his cigarette and turned to walk back in, but immediately after opening the door, he was met with something soft pressing on his chest. When he looked down, an equally surprised, but thankfully properly dressed Ginko blinked up at him with dead fish eyes.

"Oi, what are you doing?" Ginko asked. "You're blocking the way."

"No, you're blocking the way." Hijikata countered, surprisingly calm despite the fact that the now female nuisance's body was so close to his. He was also aware of the scent of strawberries which wasn't that unusual with Gin-san's love for them. But- wait. Why is he thinking such things again?

"Huh? No way. I just came to see what the old woman wants. So you're the one who has to get out the way."

"She said you have three months' worth of rent. Now _you_ get out the way and you better be grateful that I apologized on your behalf, dumbass."

"Who are you calling a dumbass? Are you itching for a fight that badly? Huh?" As she spoke, Ginko grabbed Hijikata's collar and pulled him down to eye-level. "Don't worry, Gin-san will gladly help you with that."

Hijikata barely had time to react before Ginko headbutted him, then stepped back and had the audacity to grin while getting in a fighting stance. Swiftly throwing his morals out the window, Hijikata lunged forward with the intention to grasp Ginko's neck. Though she easily jumped out of reach and stuck her tongue out. A few more deflected attacks later, a kick to the stomach caused Hijikata to double over. Immediately upon recovering, he managed to grab Ginko's wrists and push her against a wall, catching both of them by surprise. At least, while Ginko prevailed in agility, Hijikata prevailed in strength, so he managed to keep her captive, at least for now. If it was Gintoki, he would surely be thrown to the ground by now. Even if their fight was short-lived, they took a moment or two to steady their breathing. 

"You… are… insufferable." Hijikata finally breathed out. 

"Hijikata-kun, I don't think your face is cooperating with your words." Ginko pointed out, her lips stretching in a grin again. "You're all flushed like a virgin seeing a naked woman for the first time."

"Tch- Idiot." was all Hijikata came up with as a response before pulling back and returning to his previous seat with a huff. He actually started to miss the normal male Gintoki already. He didn't know why, or rather - he didn't want to acknowledge the reason.

But as Ginko sat down next to him, he found himself not dreading the idea of putting up with her for a while. It was just as he thought - he was definitely going insane.


	15. After an intense exercise, calcium is the best solution

A few hours later, neither Hijikata nor Ginko realized how they ended up in the bedroom, next to each other on the futon, naked and breathless. One thing was for sure - it was an enormous mistake and Hijikata made sure to repeat that in his mind over and over to try and wash the shame from his reckless actions away. Everything was silent for a few minutes, until Ginko spoke up.

"So what now? You want a cigarette or a hug?"

Her voice sounded unusually deep, and that caused Hijikata to open his eyes. He was probably hallucinating, but next to him laid a perfectly normal and male Gintoki. Hijikata blacked out immediately. Gintoki stared at him in confusion for a while, then moved his gaze to his own body. Of course, he heard his own very male voice and he could feel his own body, but it still felt like waking up from a dream. How the hell did he turn back, he did not know. Why he ended up in bed with Hijikata of all people was also inexplicable. All he knew was that while being his female alter Ego, he felt an unexplainable strong attraction towards the Vice Chief. Which was strange because as far as he knew all he had for that guy was hidden away well. He also wasn't intending on making something of these feelings, but Ginko seemed to have better ideas.

A few seconds later, a loud gasp brought Gintoki's attention back to Hijikata.

"Ah, you're back. You're not gonna faint again, are you?"

"I, uh- I… I fainted? What are you talking about? I'm perfectly fine!" Hijikata defended immediately.

Gintoki rolled his eyes and sat up, covering the lower half of his body with the blanket. After giving it a second thought though, he decided against acting like a shy girl who just had her first time and stood up to go and take his normal clothes, unbothered by Hijikata staring at his back in stunned silence.

"Then what are you waiting for? Drag your ass out of my bed and get dressed."

Of course, Hijikata would have done that without anyone telling him to. But being the half of the stubborn idiots pair he and Gintoki created when they were at the same place at the same time, he refused and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Now that you say that, I'm not moving."

Okay, he admits that being thick-headed in this kind of situation isn't very suitable, but he can't defend himself with something else, can he? At least he can protect his remaining pride by refusing to be told what to do.

Gintoki only managed to put on his favorite strawberry-patterned underwear before noticing two red marks on the sides of his body which strangely resembled handprints. Closing his eyes for that, he turned and gave Hijikata a once-over before commenting, "You're still butt-naked, Vice Chief. Hurry up before Ginko decides to make a comeback and take advantage of that."

Judging by his look, Hijikata also didn't fail to notice the hand-shaped reminders of what happened minutes ago. He didn't say anything about it in hopes that Gintoki didn't notice, and just covered himself with the blanket in the most casual fashion he could muster now.

"Get out so I can get dressed."

Gintoki deadpanned.

"What are you, a teenager? We just saw each other and did even more than that."

Hijikata's frown grew deeper.

"I…" He started, but couldn't think of a better response than "I told you something."

Gintoki relented, surprisingly. He took a change of his regular clothes along with his pink apron and headed to the kitchen just because he couldn't think of a better way to get rid of the memory of his female alter Ego shamelessly flirting with Hijikata and initiating even more shameless acts. After he got dressed and gave a quick look at the remaining ingredients in and out of the fridge, he settled on making okonomiyaki - a solid two-hour-long distraction. It was also important to get something in his stomach that wasn't sweet- but who is he trying to fool? He shoved that thought away and got a strawberry milk carton after finishing with the preparation of dry ingredients.

That took him around thirty minutes, and Hijikata still hasn't gone out of the bedroom. Speak of the devil - after a lot of cursing and shuffling around, he walked out and stopped in his tracks upon seeing Gintoki. The latter also stopped mid-sip of his milk and raised his eyebrows inquisitively.

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"Can't you see? I'm taking my daily dose of calcium. It's important for the body." Gintoki advised, sticking a finger up like a wise sage. "Didn't you know, Hijikata-kun? Every great hero does that."

"No, I'm pretty sure only you do that." Hijikata deadpanned. He returned to getting his initial question across by gesturing at the ridiculous pink apron. "I meant this. What's this?"

Gintoki trailed his gaze down, then back up at Hijikata.

"Isn't it obvious? Hijikata-kun, did you hit your head and forget the names of some things? Also, stop staring at me like you just walked in on a scene from an ecchi anime. You're creeping me out again."

"Have you lost your mind?! I wasn't-" Hijikata leaned his head back and growled at the ceiling. When he looked back down, Gintoki simply continued cooking without sparing him a second glance. "Ugh, whatever! I need a cigarette."

"Sure. No hugs for me then." Gintoki mumbled without turning around. Still, he could feel it in his bones that Hijikata was making strangling motions with his hands before storming out.

Gintoki waited for the door to close, then proceeded with humming some melody to get rid of the rest of his unneeded thoughts. After that was done too, and he had some time to spare while waiting for the main ingredients to stew properly, he rushed to get the phone and call Otae. Of course, he knew that she wouldn't be able to pick up while she was sick, but he expected(hoped) to hear Kagura as she probably wasn't that busy. Instead, Shinpachi picked up.

"Hello?"

"Yo, Patsuan. How's your sister doing?"

"Ah, Gin-san!" Shinpachi greeted cheerfully, but as he started talking about his sister, his voice dropped. "She's a bit better than yesterday. I think she's got a fever. I always tell her to not overwork, but…"

"Don’t worry, Pachi. Otae has the strength of a gorilla. She'll be fine in no time." Gintoki hurried to redirect the conversation before the boy at the other side of the line started defending his sister. "Anyway, how are you and Kagura doing?"

"Well-" Shinpachi's voice got drowned out by a shout of 'Shin-chan, tell him that I'm coming after his head once I recover!' and a 'Big sister, you have to lay down!!'. Shinpachi sighed. "We're fine. Thanks for worrying, Gin-san. Oh, by the way, Kagura-chan mentioned that you and Hijikata-san were-"

"Ah, look at the time!" Gintoki almost shouted. "The okonomiyaki's gonna burn- Bye, Patsuan!"

With that, he hung up and returned to the kitchen. Not that he was lying, but he preferred not to share this kind of sensitive information. Not with Shinpachi, not even with himself for that matter.


	16. When someone offers you free food, you better appreciate it

Everything in Hijikata screamed at him to run away, but he refused to back down on his word, even if Gintoki had somehow turned back to being himself. Hell, he had even called Kondo to inform him that he was taking those two weeks off, and there was no turning back. And now, he stared down at the plate in front of him, choosing to think about why the okonomiyaki didn't have a drop of mayonnaise on it despite it being one of the regular ingredients.

Right after leaving the plate on the table, Gintoki bowed and waved a hand to his creation in an exaggerated fashion.

"Bon appétit." He announced, and at this point the confidence was practically oozing off him. He sat across the table in front of his own plate and took his time with separating a pair of chopsticks. It was definitely a lot more relaxing now that he didn't have to worry about a gluttonous Amanto threatening to eat his portion of food.

Hijikata stood completely still. Only his eyes moved up to look at Gintoki.

"Why do you look so smug? Are you trying to poison me?"

Gintoki gasped, but otherwise his neutral expression didn't change. He pressed a hand to his chest to complete the offended look.

"You think I'll stoop so low as to try and poison you? Don't think so lowly of me, Hijikata-kun. If I were to make an attempt to kill you, I would first tor-" He paused as his gaze trailed down to the mayonnaise bottle that the Vice Chief was now using to deface the okonomiyaki. "Oiii! Now you're trying to poison yourself!! What are you doing?!"

Hijikata looked back up and replied in a grave voice, "There was not enough mayonnaise."

"There wasn't any mayonnaise to begin with! You should have tried it without the mayonnaise first! It looks like trash now!"

"Ah, shut up already! I'll eat it, okay? Just shut up."

Hijikata groaned and, after a dismissive wave, proceeded to dig in the semblance of food. Immediately after tasting it, he froze and his eyes lit up. Without saying anything else, he continued eating as if he was starved for days. Gintoki observed him for a few seconds before getting back to business with his own portion. After they finished eating, Gintoki propped a hand on his knee, readying to stand up, but instead of doing that, he didn't miss the opportunity to tease Hijikata a little more. Or at least try to.

"Hijikata-kun, don't you have something to say?"

Hijikata flinched, as if struck by a lightning, then averted his gaze and muttered, "Thanks for the food. It was… good."

"Hah? Just 'good'? After all the trouble I went through to cook for you?" Gintoki caught by surprise even himself, and he hurried to get up and gather the empty plates before turning around swiftly. "Just so you know, that was a joke. It just so happened that you were here when I decided to cook."

Hijikata was too confused to answer. But, just now… was it his imagination or did Gintoki have the slightest blush- No, no. It was because of the light. Yep. A trick of the light. Still, the light couldn't affect voices, and Hijikata was pretty sure that Gintoki's voice sounded wavering, even if he tried to mask it with apathy like always. But he disappeared in the kitchen too quickly and Hijikata didn't get the chance to ask about it. Actually, it was best if he didn't pry, so he focused his thoughts in another direction.

"Do you have any idea why you turned back to normal so easily?" Hijikata asked as soon as Gintoki reappeared in front of him. The latter shrugged somewhat hesitantly, and that prompted Hijikata to press on. "Oi, I agreed to help you, didn't I? Use that little brain of yours, will you? If you know something, you better spill it."

Gintoki crossed his arms as he sat back down across the table.

"I don't know anything." He stated as a matter of fact, but Hijikata didn't give up - he copied Gintoki's pose and raised a brow. "Okay, okay. I think I know something. It's about a manga I came across recently-"

"What does a manga have to do with your situation?"

"Shut up and listen, Oogushi-kun. I'll explain."

"Oi, stop with that nickname already!"

"As I was saying, I recently came across a manga where two best friends, the main characters, are forced to fu-"

"What kind of manga were you reading?!"

Gintoki sighed and stood up.

"Nevermind, if you're not willing to listen, I'll go to bed now."

Hijikata also stood up and grabbed Gintoki's shoulder before he could make a step.

"Wait, wait. I'll listen, but seriously, stop with those perverted things. It's enough for today."

With that said, they sat on one of the couches, and Gintoki continued with his outrageous explanation.

"As I was _trying_ to say… One of the main characters is cursed to turn into a woman, so his best friend-" Gintoki paused and gulped upon seeing Hijikata's glare. He cleared his throat and rephrased, "- _helps him out_ with some needs, and poof! He's a man again! It was later explained that when he sleeps with another man, he turns back to being a man, but if he gets off during or after that time, he becomes a woman again or something like that. Which would be ridiculous if my case is the same because I don't want any more of those stupid handprints that _someone_ had the audacity to leave on my immaculate body!" He raised his voice at the end, frowned and leaned in closer and closer to Hijikata until their foreheads touched.

"Wh- That… That female part of you wanted it! It's not my fault!" Hijikata retorted as he leaned in too, trying to push Gintoki away. "And speaking of her, wasn't it still your own consciousness in there that caused this?!"

"If you must know, I couldn't control myself around you, okay?! Especially when you were looking at me like that while I was in that obviously weak-willed body and-" Gintoki paused to take a breath, and that helped him realize what he just said. He pulled back as if burned and turned away, grabbing a Jump nearby, as if that would help him with something. "A-Anyway, don't listen to me. Being a woman for nearly a whole day must have messed me up and I got overly emotional."

Hijikata stood motionless for a few seconds as he tried to process the seemingly nonsensical words. What was that supposed to mean? 'I couldn't control myself around you'... What? Did that mean…

No.

No way.


End file.
